I was personally disturbed because the latter incident (which is actually former if you do it chronologically) had literally jolted me to re-evaluate a position I had always stood by [vehemently] when it came to the subject. I had only mentioned it in passing on a useless survey/meme post I had 4 years ago, but I thought I might as well just put it out there for posterity’s sake.
Again, my only intention in this post is to explain the way I feel. I’m in no way saying that people should share the same sentiments. And of course, its never my intention to insult the memory of the departed - especially to those [common friends] who care about them more than I do. So take everything I say here with a grain of salt… and at best, just consider it as “understanding how Carlo feels about suicide” ;) Now if you feel that you will still be angered despite the disclaimers I said, then just stop reading now. But who are we kidding… we both know that warning will make you want to read the post even more ;)
Seriously though, I’m not here to pick a fight, so if you’re planning to comment with the purpose to pick a fight or tell me off, I’m already warning you that I will either not respond to your comment, or delete it. But if you just want to discuss and argue rationally, then feel free to tell me what you think.
Here’s a snippet of the part from the survey that’s directly related to the current discussion
QUESTION: do u think about suicide?
ANSWER
Never!
And here’s something else - I absolutely do not respect people who do it. Thinking about it is fine since we all have our “trials” at some point in our lives. The question is if you actually go through with it.
Suicide is simply giving up. There is no “justification” no matter how you slice it. You gave up… simple as that.
Fucking cowards, that’s what they are, and I don’t feel sorry for them one goddamn bit! Why should I be? There are a whole bunch of people that are probably having a harder time than those pricks that killed themselves, you don’t see them giving up do you?
I don’t know about other people, but I know my friends aren’t cowards. So if one of them commits suicide, then they ain’t no friend of mine anymore!
Opposite poles
Naturally Ansky’s death was a particularly challenging experience in context of the last statement. Based on that statement, I should’ve been able to easily “judge” and decide how I felt about the situation and dismiss the news accordingly regardless of how other of our common friends felt about it. But surprisingly, I could still say without much hesitation that she was a friend when clearly, based on my statement, she shouldn’t be (at least not anymore) - which is even weirder because we weren’t that close. Hell, that picture I posted of her was probably one of the last times I saw the woman… that’s seven fucking years ago!
But all the same, I did feel quite bummed out the day I heard the news… and that feeling constantly makes me wonder to this day.
On the other hand, we have that suicide by one of Ateneo’s faculty members. A person I personally did not know. Now that was much easier to deal with - in line with my old belief.
However, considering how I felt about Ansky’s death, I couldn’t help but empathize with common friends who I saw were affected by the incident. Even if they had people who thought like me (God forbid) they still must be feeling bad somehow… and that realization was something I resonated with.
Close but not quite
Save for that last quoted sentence, I still can’t help but notice that most of those words I had uttered (well, actually typed) 4 years ago still ring true in my logical mind… painfully true.
If we take out all the “friendship” or “family” factors, I doubt anyone can argue with the fact that the act they ultimately chose to pursue was a cowards way out. I know it’s next to impossible to think this way, but that’s the truth. I myself wished it weren’t the case, but I really can’t think of any other explanation to justify it. Actually, there are a couple of reasons I can let slip by:
- A genuine chemical disorder/imbalance (e.g. clinically depressed).
- If you wanted to cash in on insurance for the people you’ll be leaving behind. And yes, this is possible to honor depending on the contract you make - it’s just that you’ll have to wait 4 years before you kill yourself for them to give you the money.
- If someone told you to kill yourself in exchange for saving someone else’s life.
- If you knowingly put yourself in a fatal situation to save someone else’s life.
- Any scenario that can “justify” euthanasia (e.g. being in constant physical pain, etc.)
Did I miss anything? I don’t think so… only 4 reasons I can think of. Actually 3 and 4 are under the “saving lives” category so I’d hardly consider that killing yourself - although you’d be fully aware of your consent of dying.
Most of us are in the middle to upper middle class, and I think it’s really pathetic that we still can find reasons to go to such extremes. If you think you have a good reason of committing suicide, then I can assure you that about 99% of the world’s population should have the right to kill themselves before you do.
It’s when I think in this context that I can’t help let my Darwinian side get the best of me. I don’t know if it’s right or wrong, but goddamnit; there are so many other less-fortunate people in the world who are toughing it out… you don’t see them giving up do you!?
So now when I try to analyze these contradicting emotions here’s what I think will make me deal with it better:
Mourn the loss of a friend/relative/etc… do not mourn the loss of their life.
I think that sums it up quite nicely. It covers the whole feeling bad of everyone concerned. The first part of the statement deals with the people that are left behind… and is reinforced by the second part.
Because if you really think about it, even if you take the personal view or the darwinian view, the event is really nothing to be sad about in terms of the people who killed themselves.
My Personal view
Personal: At least they’re in a better place. Case closed. If they really think that they’re lives were so tough that giving up was the best course of action, then we should be happy for them; they are finally beyond that which they claim that can hurt them.
My Darwinian view
Darwinian: A species’ worth is proven by their willingness to overcome - to survive. Humans are no exception. If you don’t value your life enough to think you deserve to exist in this earth… then that’s all the reason one really needs. It’s not up to other people to make you realize your worth… because we should be proving our worth to them. For as long as you don’t exert that worth, then you will remain worthless - no matter how much “potential” you have.
If that drive to overcome/prove one’s self is lacking in a person… then in a sense, they indeed are and will remain pretty much “worthless.” And if that indeed were the case, then a lot of other people in the world are more suited to take your place in the cosmological balance.
I admit, it’s not a thing we’d like to hear. It’s not even a jagged little pill; it’s a fucking full-blown splintered suppository to take… but is the truth.
If you want to feel sorry for anyone, feel sorry for the people that are left behind, because we’re the ones who’ll be toughing it out while the ones that went ahead wouldn’t have to worry anymore.
Religion
Now I don’t even want to get into this because of the obvious implications of these kinds of actions will entail.
The reason I mention it though is that I would like to take the time to comment on what someone told me was a nice homily given to one of the diseased.
It wasn’t God’s will for him to die.
Is it just me, or does anyone find it ironic that the doctrine of an entity that literally brought his own flesh and blood to the slaughter - would be used to put perspective into something as twisted as suicide? But then again, sending your son to the slaughter,1 does seem just as twisted - so I guess it’s all good. I just got a kick out of that.
And to digress a bit; I also get a kick out of the fact that only in this Religion does the act of sending a beloved to die, seem like the most blessed act one can accomplish.
Maybe the US should be sending more troops to IRAQ. In fact, maybe they shouldn’t let the soldiers bring any guns… and die instead of kill - so they can save the souls of those Taliban sinners. We know that’s what Jesus would’ve done.
You know, I’d accept it if Jesus offered himself out of his own will, but according to the agony in the garden… he did want to back out. Plus there’s the whole convenience of the Trinity, which makes it seem as if God himself offered his own life (ergo probably didn’t send anyone to begin with). So which is it? Fully human where he can actually feel pain and fear, or fully divine where he shouldn’t break a sweat knowing that he really won’t die… EVER. Plus if he was fully divine, he can probably turn off his pain nerves if he wanted… but he didn’t… so either he was trying to brag about his tolerance for pain, or I’d have to go that he was FULLY HUMAN… and so I’d say he was sent to the slaughter ;)
Comedy aside, I guess my point simply was that while the homily might’ve been inspiring, or that it may have made people feel better about the whole incident… I just think it’s in extremely bad form and taste to even utter religious doctrine in context of an act that we all know pretty much damns a soul to hell by the very same creed interpreting the situation.
Conclusion
There you have it. basically I guess everyone concurs that suicide is bad… mmmkay? But I personally think that anyone who would indulge in it are doing greater damage to the people left behind than themselves.
In that sense, I’d say just call it even.
- And TESTING someone by asking them to kill their child… what kind of a sick fucking test is that!?
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post updated on July 9, 2008 @ 08:02PM
