I’m in Baguio right now, and as usual I opted to stay in while the rest of the people go on their excursion¹

Since I don’t have anything better to post, I thought I’d share an experience which I never got to mention.

A few weeks ago, in between numerous BP events, I was invited (thanks to Juan) to do a demo take for some ad campaign to be launched sometime next year. Obviously, I’m not at liberty to disclose any details, but I just thought I’d share the unique experience.

It all started with an IM…

CONTACT: hi there. dickoy referred me to your blog and i’m browsing your music stuff … would you happen to be free to sing on a jingle?

<SKIPPED SOME PARTS>

CONTACT: havent worked with you yet but if you pick up melodies and pitch pretty fast, we could actually be done in 2 hours

Apparently, there have been 3 artists that already recorded the track (including the artist that actually owned the song). And after I heard the names of those that came before, sobrang nanliit ako!

For those who don’t know, if there’s one major insecurity I have, it has always been my voice.² While this insecurity may or may not be unfounded, that’s just how insecurities go; they were never meant to be rational. All the same, to put things into perspective; I know my voice doesn’t suck, but it was never “good enough” for me to be confident about.

The reason why this insecurity is a big deal for me is because I sound drastically different when I’m nervous. And when I’m in that situation, that sort of feeds off itself on an endless loop. So just imagine the situation: I’m nervous so I sound even less appealing than my already mediocre timbre… then I hear that on the live monitors (headphone/speakers) – and I get more embarrassed and worried by the fact that I know I’m not sounding the way I know I could³ and those same nerves now start affecting my delivery during a “performance.”

When I’m not nervous, that is to say when I’m in the comfort of my room alone, recording original material, this isn’t an issue. But just like any “talent” one could share, it doesn’t matter how good you are on your own… what matters more is the times you get to share it – and sadly, sharing in that sense is what makes it all fall apart.

So when the guy said this:

CONTACT: but even if you dont get approved at least we’ll have your voice on file and we can use you for other things – assuming you wanna get into this sordid business hahaha.

That sorta already made me feel bad because I know there probably won’t be a next time. Which sucks, because I’ve been experiencing much frustration on the musical front lately. Work has gotten so hectic that I literally have no time for my real “love;” music, which as of this moment is just a hobby (since it doesn’t pay the bills).

The reason I’m so active with Bukas Palad, aside from loving the people there,⁴ is because it’s probably the only remaining musical outlet I have that I can still manage to include in my regular “routine.”

But even with BP, I’ve been getting a bit restless; the friendships, trips/gigs are great and all, but I personally feel something lacking. Partly because the group tends to gravitate towards “safe” songs recently, I don’t know if it’s a function of not believing enough in the abilities of the members, or that members themselves don’t want to “step up” and be “challenged.”

Or maybe because most members now see the group as a “barkada” instead of an actual singing group. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; camaraderie is always good. I guess I just wish we all learned how to “switch” to the appropriate “gear” when needed; because while other people might be in it for the company or the opportunities (travel etc.), I personally am in it for the music.

To be fair, I’m not in any way taking that sentiment against whoever the statement above applies to, because I’ll be first to admit that as far as the vision-mission of the group goes (which technically should take precedence over anything else), I’m probably the one who is most detached to it. I’m really in it for the music – everything else is just secondary.⁵ I’m really glad that we get to inspire people while we’re at it, but that’s just icing on the cake as far as I’m concerned.

I know it’s a selfish way to feel, but knowing it’s selfish doesn’t diminish the yearning or frustration I’m feeling because of it. But I’ll just have to find a way to deal with that on my own I guess.

But going back to the music, I love challenges, and I absolutely love it when there’s a “hard” song to be learned or sung. But it always disheartens me when the majority would rather just “play it safe” and simply not sing those songs – rather than, as the other choirs would put it, FIGHT.

So, in light of this new development – I was very much interested. At this point, I referred him to my music section to get a better idea of my “sound” – just to make sure I wasn’t wasting his time.

CONTACT: is this an original?
ME: yep
CONTACT: good stuff
CONTACT: so why are you a programmer and not in the music biz? :P
ME: I guess I know I don’t have the connections sa industry so I’d be a poor starving artist.

After all, it’s pretty much impossible for people my age to break through that industry unless we get a very early head start… that, or know people who can help you out.

So I guess this is as far as I’ll ever get as far music goes; compliments hahahaha. That and the occasional “break” in the routine. I’ll take it… anything to mix up life a bit ;)